


By Your Side

by waywardjoy (CNK80Q3demoneyes)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:30:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNK80Q3demoneyes/pseuds/waywardjoy
Summary: This is a song fic based on the song "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith.  Lyrics in bold and italics.





	

“Hey, Y/N/N. I didn’t know what to say to you last time, so I wrote it all down to make sure I said exactly what I needed you to hear. So, here goes.”

 

Sam pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, cleared the growing lump from his throat, and began to read.

 

“I know you loved me. But I still don’t understand why you left. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. We were so happy. We were going to have a normal happy life. You promised to spend forever with me. I just can’t believe this happened. This is not how things were supposed to go. You weren’t supposed to go.”

 

**_Yes, I do, I believe_ **

**_That one day I will be_ **

**_Where I was right there_ **

**_Right next to you_ **

 

**_And it's hard_ **

**_The days just seem so dark_ **

**_The moon and the stars_ **

**_Are nothing without you_ **

 

In frustration, he let the paper fall from his fingers, as the words began to gush from his shattered heart. Sam’s voice became harder. More angry.

 

“Why didn’t you fight harder? Why didn’t you fight for us- for me? Was I not good enough? Do I not deserve happiness? Was this all some cosmic joke to make me think I could have something good, just to have it ripped away from me? I am just so damn angry that you gave up. There is so much rage inside me. Sometimes it feels like- like it’s just going to explode out of me. Sometimes I just can’t contain it. And I know if I let go, I will lose all control. I don’t want to be crippled by my own anger.

 

Dean says I am becoming a zombie or a ticking time bomb. I don’t know which is worse. I can’t eat. I don’t sleep. I probably drink too much. I didn’t even feel it the other night when I put my fist through a wall. I know I can’t keep this up. Your loss is slowly devouring me. I don’t want to die inside. I don’t want to be numb. But I don’t know how to fix this.”

 

**_Your touch, your skin_ **

**_Where do I begin?_ **

**_No words can explain_ **

**_The way I'm missing you_ **

 

**_Deny this emptiness_ **

**_This hole that I'm inside_ **

**_These tears_ **

**_They tell their own story_ **

 

**_Told me not to cry when you were gone_ **

**_But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong_ **

 

Sam collapsed to his knees in the damp grass, anguish and defeat pouring out in every word.

 

“I never imagined it was possible to be numb and still be in so much pain. My heart aches. My soul hurts. It hurts so much. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Please Y/N. Tell me this isn’t it. This can’t be it for us. I need you. This can’t be the end. Please. Tell me what I am supposed to do without you. I don’t know how I am supposed to live without my heart.”

 

He dropped his head onto the cold ground as if in a benediction, hands clutching at the grass.

 

**_Can I lay by your side?_ **

**_Next to you, you_ **

**_And make sure you're alright_ **

**_I'll take care of you_ **

**_I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight_ **

 

**_I'm reaching out to you_ **

**_Can you hear my call?_ **

**_This hurt that I've been through_ **

**_I'm missing you, missing you like crazy_ **

 

He took a stuttering breath before continuing. His voice but a whisper.

 

“I just want to lay here beside you and never move again. I don’t know how I am going to get over this. Over you. How? How am I supposed to get over you? How do I move on? I feel like part of my soul died with you. I- I can’t- I don’t want to go on without you. God, I miss you so damn much.

 

I had all these plans- I am never going to see you walk down the aisle. I’ll never see you round with my children. We’ll never- Our future never even had a chance. Damn it, Y/N/N I am so lost without you.

 

I just want to feel alive and see your face again. But when do I give up on what I’ve been wishing for? When do I give up on seeing you again? Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I pretend I am alright. But it’s never enough.”

 

**_You told me not to cry when you were gone_ **

**_But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong_ **

 

**_Can I lay by your side?_ **

**_Next to you, you_ **

**_And make sure you're alright_ **

**_I'll take care of you_ **

**_I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight_ **

 

Sam continued to kneel in front of the simple piece of stone that read; “Y/N Y/LN, Beloved by all who knew her.” And allowed himself to finally grieve. 

 

Eventually, the familiar rumble from behind brought him out of his quiet moment. He brushed some stray debris from the name plate. And tried to compose himself.

 

“Dean’s here. Means it’s time to go. I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit you again. I brought you lilies. I remembered they’re your favorite.”

 

He moved the discarded bouquet and letter to a place of honor at the foot of the stone. Then retrieved another item from his pocket.

 

“I never got to give you this. You- you should keep it.”

 

He dug a small hole in the soft ground and placed the simple ring inside.

 

**_Lay me down tonight_ **

**_Lay me by your side_ **

**_Lay me down tonight_ **

**_Lay me by your side_ **

**_Can I lay by your side?_ **

**_Next to you_ **

**_You_ **

 

After tamping the dirt back into place, Sam stood, brushing the earth from his knees.

 

“I love you.” He whispered as he placed a kiss on the stone. He wiped the last of the wetness from his cheeks and strode off to the awaiting impala.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks y'all for reading!


End file.
